When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
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If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something