Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
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We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Waiting for the Charmin
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”