Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
You Might Also Like
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)