A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
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ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.