If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
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see you in hell you stupid fruit
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Probably my best painting.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions