I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
You Might Also Like
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.