I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
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The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Sorry. Not sorry
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.