Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
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Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.