*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
You Might Also Like
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Help Wanted
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.