Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
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It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
bad news gang
Brother?
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”