I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
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40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars