Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
You Might Also Like
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.