The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
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Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Hmm, not sure about this change
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
don’t be scared
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost