When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
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seems like a niche market
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
New mindset, who dis?