Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
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Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!