My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
You Might Also Like
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
#gardening
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.