No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
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I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Autocorrect completely socks
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass