*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
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According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Modded the new Gran Turismo
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane