Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
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I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Very good news from my accountant
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”