The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
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[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*