It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
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I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
*puts words between two asterisks*
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?