Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
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[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
eating my hot dog hamburger style
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.