Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
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Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.