*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
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I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.