quarantine day 3
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Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker