I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
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what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.