Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
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So can we start calling them Traylor now?
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.