The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
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me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
#StillHurts
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.