My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
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Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please