“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
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4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
BRO LMFAO
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Holy crap this is wonderful