Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
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[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Knock Knock
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try