OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
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If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.