If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
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if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.