LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
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*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Home #decor warning.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
People buying plungers never look happy.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada