Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
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MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.