4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
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Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
best first i’ve ever seen
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…