Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
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Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Erm I’m gonna say no
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
new wife guy just dropped
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.