Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
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If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.