Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
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also my go-to takeaway order
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
They got Raph!
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!