My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
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POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.