“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
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Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.