*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
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ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.