I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
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I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Actually cracking up @ this
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later