I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
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it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush