Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
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What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
knights of the ikea table
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Twitter is an abusement park.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi