*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
You Might Also Like
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
bears
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X