Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
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Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Print is alive and well!!!
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!