(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
You Might Also Like
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
How to woo a woman
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo