The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
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Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
A great tip. #CakeRex
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear