A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
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You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
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HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
*jingles half the way*
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.